Parables for our times

JVL Introduction

Michael Rosen has been writing stories about the King and the King’s tutor (a descendant, perhaps, of one Niccolò Machiavelli).

Dozens of stories. And then more dozens. He seems unable to stop.

He has collected them together into a long file, in no particular order.

He suggested to me that I select those that work for me and put them in any order I like.

But I think it’s better to leave others to select those that work for them so I put them all in.

I changed the order a bit just to show willing.

Any resemblances to any real world happenings or people are presumably coincidental.

RK

Michael Rosen writes

‘What do the people like, facts or stories?’ said the King.
‘Stories,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘So if I want them to like what I’m doing, tell them a story about it?’
‘That’s it, sir.’
‘And if I don’t want them to care about something, just throw facts at them?’
‘That’s it, sir.’

‘Tutor, how do you think people will think of me after I am gone?’ said the King.
‘Merciful,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Really?’ said the King.
‘Yes indeed,’ said the tutor, ‘you saved many lives.’
‘But we waged wars and many people were slain,’ said the King.
‘Ah but think how many more people our armies could have killed,’ said the tutor.
‘So I will be remembered for being merciful?’ said the KIng.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor.

‘The Emperor says we must minimise deaths’, said the King’s tutor.
‘Very good,’ said the King, ‘anything else?’
‘He says we have the right to do be doing what we’re doing,’ said the tutor.
‘Very good,’ said the King, ‘but are we minimising deaths?’
‘I don’t think so,’ said the tutor.
‘So we’re not doing what the Emperor wants us to do,’ said the King.
‘I think, your majesty, it’s more about what the Emperor wants to look like he’s doing,’ said the tutor.
‘Oh, is he minimising deaths, then?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘he wants to look like he’s doing what he can to minimise deaths.’
‘But I thought he said that I have the right to be doing what I’m doing,’ said the King, ‘which is not minimising deaths.’
‘It’s very complicated,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘but yes.’

The gardener has chopped down the forest, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘the road can go through there now.’
‘Good,’ said the King, ‘have the tree-lovers noticed?’
‘Possibly,’ said the tutor, ‘but I’ve sent them to look at the Great Tree On The Hill that was chopped down earlier.’

‘We want bread’, said the peasant,
we’re starving.
‘I am merciful’, said the KIng,
‘we will announce today
that the people might starve soon.’
‘But we’re starving now’, said the peasant.
‘I am merciful’, said the King,
‘I promise we will announce
that the people might starve.’

‘What happens when this is over?’ said the King.
‘This,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘You mean that this goes on and on?’ said the King.
‘Sure,’ said the tutor.
‘But I thought that once we’ve done this, there’s no more this,’ said the King.
‘There’s always more this,’ said the tutor.

‘I think we should add the Northern Mountains to your kingdom, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘That’ll mean war,’ said the King.
‘We’ll say it’s for peace,’ said the tutor.
‘No one will believe that,’ said the King
‘If important people say it’s for peace, we’ll be alright,’ said the tutor.

‘Where are we ?’ said the King.
‘On the moral high ground,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘How did we get here?’ said the King.
‘By saying we’re more moral than everyone else,’ said the tutor.
‘Are we?’ said the King.
‘Of course not,’ said the tutor, ‘but we say it the loudest.’

‘I don’t think we can stop this game of chess,’ said the King, ‘until we decide what kind of stop it is.’
‘A pause,’ said the tutor.
‘Or a momentary break?’ said the King.
‘Or a cessation of activity, perhaps,’ said the tutor.
‘Or a temporary halt,’ said the King.
‘I prefer an agreed discontinuance,’ said the tutor.
‘I can only go with a reasonable outage,’ said the King.
‘Well,’ said the tutor, ‘if we can’t agree on what to call it, we can’t stop.
‘Fair enough,’ said the King, ‘on we go.’

‘We believe in tit for tat, don’t we, tutor?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘that’s fair.’
‘What if the tit is bigger than the tat?’ said the King, ‘would that still be fair?’
‘If we said that it was unfortunate that the tit was bigger than the tat,’ said the tutor, ‘then people would think it was fair.’
‘Good,’ said the King.
‘Also, if we said that it was the tat’s fault that the tit was bigger than the tat, people would think that was fair too,’ said the tutor.
‘And could we still say it was fair if the tit was, say, twenty times bigger than the tat?’ said the King.
‘I would certainly expect you to say it’s fair,’ said the tutor.
‘And do you think me saying that, would help people see that that was fair?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.
‘But would it be fair?’ said the King.
‘Of course not,’ said the tutor.

The King’s tutor said,
‘Here are 5 apples
here are 20 apples,
which basket holds the most apples?’
The king took the 20 apples
out of the basket
and replaced them with 20 oranges.
‘The basket with 5 apples in it
holds the most apples,’
he said.

‘When did the world begin?’
said the King’s tutor.
’The world began yesterday,’ said the King.
‘That’s not strictly true,’ said the tutor.
‘It may not be strictly true,’ said the King,
‘but you will say that it’s true.’
The tutor said nothing.
‘Go on, say it,’ said the King.
‘The world began yesterday,’ said the tutor.
‘Correct,’ said the King.

‘I don’t know what to say to the people,’
said the King.
‘Fluffy white clouds,’ said the tutor.
‘Just that?’ said the King.
‘Say, ‘what do we want?
Fluffy white clouds.
When do we want them?
Now’.’
‘Why should I say that?’
‘It shows you believe
in fluffy white clouds,’
the tutor said.
‘But I don’t believe in
fluffy white clouds,’
said the King.
‘Why’s that relevant?’
said the tutor.

‘I don’t think we can stop this game of chess,’ said the King, ‘until we decide what kind of stop it is.’
‘A pause,’ said the tutor.
‘Or a momentary break?’ said the King.
‘Or a cessation of activity, perhaps,’ said the tutor.
‘Or a temporary halt,’ said the King.
‘I prefer an agreed discontinuance,’ said the tutor.
‘I can only go with a reasonable outage,’ said the King.
‘Well,’ said the tutor, ‘if we can’t agree on what to call it, we can’t stop.
‘Fair enough,’ said the King, ‘on we go.’

The King’s tutor said
‘You must keep telling the people that it’s going to be good very soon.’
‘I know,’ said the King, ‘I’ve been doing that for years. Won’t they notice that all the time I’ve been saying it’s going to be good, it hasn’t been good?’
‘Some people notice,’ said the tutor, ‘but we’ll call them names and people will hate them. That way, everyone will be rowing about whether people are good or bad and not about whether things are good or not.’
‘Is there a name for this?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor, ‘it comes from grammar. We call it the ‘future present’. We arrange it so that everyone lives in the future present.’

‘What you say, sir, is that you’re being reasonable,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘I get that,’ said the King, ‘but what if I know that I’m being unreasonable?’
‘You just keep saying you’re being reasonable,’ said the tutor.
‘But what if people say that I’m being unreasonable?’ said the King.
‘You say, ‘Surely it’s not possible for me to be unreasonable if I’ve said that I’m being reasonable’, said the tutor.

‘Can I recommend that we slow the news down?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘How do we do that?’ said the King, ‘News is news. It just happens.’
‘Not so, your Majesty. We’ll only release the Bulletins when we want to.’
‘Won’t they write their own Bulletins?’
‘We’ll ban them.’

‘I’m not a bigot, am I?’ said the King.
‘You pick and choose,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Mm?’ said the King.
‘You’re very good at not being a bigot in some situations and then you’re a bigot in others. In fact, you’re the bigot that you pretend you’re not. Well done.’

‘That was a foul,’ said the King, watching the annual football match, ‘their man kicked our man.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘we will kick ten of theirs.’
‘But the ref will send our men off and we’ll lose,’ said the King.
‘Not necessarily,’ said the tutor.

Time to look at the penal code, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Really?’ said the King.
‘Look: cursing the King –  1 year in prison,’ said the tutor.
‘And?’ said the King.
‘I suggest, the punishment for cursing the king should get the heaviest sentence of all,’ said the tutor.

‘Tell me that story, I like,’ said the King.
‘Once there was a man who wasn’t there. He was arrested and brought before the judge. He was found guilty and sentenced to death. He was executed. If the man wasn’t there, did the story happen?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘I love that one,’ said the King.

As the King and the King’s tutor rode across the battlefield, the tutor shouted, ‘I think we should stop doing this.’
‘You’re a traitor and a collaborator,’ said the King.
They rode on some more.
‘I think we should stop doing this,’ said the King.
‘Good idea, sir’, said the tutor

‘After we’ve gone,’ said the King, ‘will people write history books about us?’
‘Yes,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Good,’ said the King.
‘Don’t get excited,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘hardly anyone will read them.’
‘But – but – that stuff where we…er…’
‘Lied? It’s the past. And once we’re dead, we can’t be had for it.’

‘What’s that moving in the shed at the bottom of the palace garden?’ said the King.
‘Don’t worry about that, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Is it…people?’ said the King.
‘Really, sir, no need to worry about it.’
‘But who are they? Do they talk?’
‘Really sir, just ignore them.’

‘The courts are full, sir, there’s only time for one trial today,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Go on,’ said the King.
‘Either a General for killing some prisoners or someone for shouting ‘Down with the King!’
‘Try the villain who shouted ‘Down with the King!’,’ said the King.

‘News from the Emperor, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Yes?’ said the King.
‘He urges you to go easy on the prisoners,’ said the tutor.
‘Should I take notice?’ said the King.
‘He has just supplied you with more thumbscrews,’ said the tutor.
‘So that’s a no, then,’ said the King.

‘The people are demanding you don’t execute all the prisoners,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘They must go ahead,’ said the King, ‘otherwise my enemies will say I’m lenient.’
‘May I suggest, sir, that you cancel some of the executions on the grounds that you’re merciful?’ said the tutor.
‘Very good,’ said the King.

‘When I die,’ said the King. ‘I will be buried in a huge mausoleum.’
‘Me too,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Not so,’ said the King.
‘Why’s that?’
‘As I’m more important than you, my death is more important than yours,’ said the King, ‘so my grave will be bigger than yours.’

‘If God decides that I’ve done bad things,’ said the King, ‘I will tell Him that that was because you told me to.’
‘But all I did,’ said the KIng’s tutor, ‘was say words. You did the actions. ‘
‘O well,’ said the King, ‘I’ll say that what bad people said, made me do bad things.’

‘Do you think we’ll get blamed?’ said the King.
‘How do you mean “we”?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Me and you,’ said the King.
‘Slight mistake there, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘if by any faint chance we were summoned to explain things, I would blame you and you would blame me.’

As the King and the King’s tutor rode across the battlefield, the tutor shouted, ‘I think we should stop doing this.’
‘You’re a traitor and a collaborator,’ said the King.
They rode on some more.
‘I think we should stop doing this,’ said the King.
‘Good idea, sir’, said the tutor

‘How does this football thing work?’ said the King.
‘When their side commits a foul, we all boo,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘and when our side commits a foul, we shout, ‘No foul!’
‘What does the referee man do?’ said the King.
‘Doesn’t matter. We just carry on,’ said the tutor.

‘Do you think I’m a great leader?’ said the King.
‘No sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Why’s that?’ said the King.
‘You don’t know what’s going on and you don’t tell the truth,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Does that matter?’ said the King.
‘For the time being, no,’ said the King’s tutor

‘Get rid of the dandelions in the garden,’ said the King to the King’s tutor.
‘Yes sir,’ said the tutor, ‘but this weedkiller will kill everything else.’
‘Yes,’ said the King, ‘but that’s alright I’ve hired Don Monty to do a garden makeover. I’m thinking Versailles.’

‘It’s time for  your ethics lesson,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘we are good.’
‘We are good,’ said the King.
‘So, if we are good, it’s not possible for us to do bad things,’ said the tutor.
‘So who then does bad things?’ said the king.
‘Bad people,’ said the tutor.

‘Time for your literature lesson now, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘Macbeth.’
‘O yes,’ said the King, ‘he was bad.’
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘he was good.’
‘What!’ said the King, ‘Why?’
‘Because he tried to fulfil his destiny,’ said the tutor.

‘I wish you wouldn’t read ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ to your children, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘What!’ said the King.
‘It’s terrible,’ said the tutor, ‘Max says he’ll eat his mother. A good book would have him going to the land of the Wild Things and being eaten by them.’

‘A fox has got in, sir and done terrible things to the chickens,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘What shall we do?’ said the King.
‘I’d recommend burning down the forest,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘What about the moles and rabbits and squirrels in there?’ said the King.
‘I’d recommend burning down the forest,’ said the King’s tutor.

‘The gardener says he’s got rid of the hornets’ nest,’ said the King.
‘Please don’t use those words,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘No?’ said the King.
‘Try ‘Taken steps to deal with the problem’,’ said the tutor.
‘Have we?’ said the King.
‘That’s beside the point,’ said the tutor

‘We’re doing very well, aren’t we?’ said the King.
‘Shhh!’ said the King’s tutor.
‘What’s the matter?’ said the King.
‘You have to look as if things are tough for you,’ said the tutor, ‘that way people will sympathise with you.’

‘Sir, you’ve hanged the wrong man,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘O dear,’ said the KIng, ‘does that mean trouble?’
‘No, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘just blame it on the hanged man.’
‘But we hanged him,’ said the King.
‘Yes, sir, and he shouldn’t have been there, when we were knotting the rope.’

‘You haven’t done much subduing recently,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘But I did some subduing to become King,’ said the King.
‘That’s why you need to carry on subduing,’ said the tutor.
‘Carry on subduing. That sounds like it could be the title of something,’ said the King.

‘Psst, tutor, am I winning or losing this game of chess against William the Egghead?’ said the King.
‘Both, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Both? How can it be both?’ said the King.
‘The only way you can win is to pretend you’re losing, sir’ said the tutor.

‘Do the people love me?’ said the King.
‘Yes sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Does the world love me?’ said the King.
‘Yes sir.’
‘Does God love me?’ said the King.
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Do you love me?’
‘No sir.’
‘Why not?’ said the King.
‘I’m the only one to know you,’ said the tutor.

‘Are my people starving, tutor?’ said the King.
‘No sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Look through the window of our carriage: some people are eating feathers,’ said the King.
‘That is a problem,’ said the tutor, ‘they’re doing that because they are stupid.’
‘Fine,’ said the King.

‘I’ve got a report that says people are starving,’ said the King.
‘That’s true,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘but I think we should be very careful about what we call it. “Starving” is offensive to those who starved last year.’
‘”Thinning?’ said the King.
‘Much better,’ said the tutor

‘When I was at school,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘we had a headteacher who caned the whole school.’
‘Did no one say anything about it?’ said the King.
‘O yes,’ said the tutor, ‘after each caning, the inspectors said, he should be very careful.’
‘O, fair enough,’ said the king.

‘Was that our poison we sold the Prince?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the KIng’s tutor.
‘I hope he hasn’t poisoned anyone with it,’ said the King.
‘We’ll do our best to find out,’ said the tutor.
‘And if we have?’ said the King.
‘We’ll condemn him, sir, and then sell him some more.’

‘Sir, the Royal hound has escaped,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘But I thought you taught it not to escape,’ said the King.
‘Yes, but right now it’s out in the woods. It’s rampaging,’ said the tutor.
‘I’ll order it to come back,’ said the King.
‘Too late for that,’ said the tutor.

‘Two wrongs don’t make a right. Correct?’ said the King.
‘Correct, sir, except when you want people to think your wrong is right,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘But doesn’t that make the first wrong, right?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.
‘Good,’ said the King, ‘so long as people don’t tell us the two rights make a wrong.’

‘We defeat evil by being good, don’t we?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘except when we defeat evil by being evil.’
‘Won’t that lead people to say we’re evil?’ said the King
‘Yes,’ said the tutor, ‘but we know we’re good so they’re wrong.’
‘I see,’ said the King.

‘Are we doing something?’ said the King.
‘O yes,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘What?’ said the King.
‘We’re talking to people behind the scenes,’ said the tutor.
‘O that’s good,’ said the King, ‘anything else?’
‘No, not really,’ said the tutor.
‘I’ll announce that then,’ said the King

‘You’ll see here, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘how the spider weaves a web to catch flies.’
‘Is that a good idea?’ said the King.
‘I’m not discussing that,’ said the tutor, ‘I’m describing it.’
‘I think you’re trying to justify it,’ said the King.
‘I’ll continue,’ said the tutor

‘As we ride along, tutor, show me things,’ said the King.
‘That’s where someone lived,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Where did they go? Why did they leave? ‘ said the King.
‘That’s written up in the annals,’ said the tutor.
‘Can’t you tell me now?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.

‘Today, we’ll look at cause and effect, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Good,’ said the King.
‘I open my hand and drop the ball. Cause – effect,’ said the tutor.
‘But what caused you to open your hand?’ said the King.
‘You’re complicating things,’ said the tutor.

‘I’m getting letters from some of the other Kings saying that the people don’t like me,’ said the King.
‘Tell them to mind their own business,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘They say I’m bad,’ said the King.
‘Tell them so are they,’ said the tutor.
‘Will do,’ said the King.

‘Storytime, sir: long ago, Harold was King of England,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Nice,’ said the King.
‘But William said he should be King of England,’ said the tutor.
‘Oh,’ said the King.
‘So William got some soldiers, beat Harold and became King,’ said the tutor, ‘the End.’

‘What’s the plan?’ said the King.
‘We’ll turn the prison into a palace,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘And the prisoners?’ said the King.
‘There aren’t any,’ said the tutor.
‘Oh, where are they?’ said the King.
‘Executed or transferred,’ said the tutor.
‘Well done,’ said the King.

‘Sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘I need to look over some of your old letters, to write the history of  your reign.’
‘I don’t know where they are,’ said the King.
‘Aren’t they in your Letters Chest?’ said the tutor.
‘They got out,’ said the King.
‘What a pity,’ said the tutor.

‘When I’m beating my children,’ said the King, ‘what should I say to them?’
‘Say that it’s their fault,’ said the tutor, ‘you wouldn’t be doing it, if they hadn’t been bad,’ said the tutor
‘But isn’t it me doing the beating?’ said the King
‘What else could you do?’ said the tutor

‘Sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘Bluffbeard the Bard will trouble you no more.’
‘That’s good,’ said the King, ‘he attacked me with his verses’
‘Do you know the line, ‘I gave commands; then all smiles stopped’?’ said the tutor.
‘No,’ said the king
‘I do and I did,’ said the tutor

‘When did history begin?’ said the King.
‘When we say it does,’ said the tutor.
‘So if I say history began yesterday, it began yesterday?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.
‘But no one will believe me,’ said the King.
‘You’re the King,’ said the tutor, ‘they’ll believe you.’

‘What is morality?’ said the King.
‘A code of behaviour universally applied,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Does it apply to us?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.
‘It’s not universal then,’ said the King.
‘No, but we say that it is,’ said the tutor.

‘I have one of your letters, but I can’t open it,’ said the tutor.
‘I tried opening it, but it’s stuck down with a glue so gluey that even the most skilled gluemeisters are unable to unglue it,’ said the King.
‘I could use a knife?’ said the tutor.
‘Don’t you dare,’ said the King

‘Horatio the Holy says the enemy will never be forgiven for their sins, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘That’s good,’ said the King, ‘what about our sins? Will we be forgiven?’
‘Horatio the Holy says we don’t sin, so we do not need to seek forgiveness.’
‘Oh good,’ said the King.

‘Are things going well?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘What should we do?’ said the King.
‘Tell everyone that things are going well,’ said the tutor.
‘But people will notice that things aren’t going well,’ said the King.
‘But we’re in charge so it doesn’t matter if they do,’ said the tutor.

‘Some people say that I’m not allowed to hunt in the forest,’ said the King.
‘O really?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘You don’t seem to think that matters,’ said the King.
‘Well, are these people going to stop you?’ said the tutor.
‘I suppose not,’ said the King.
‘Then that’s why it doesn’t matter what they think,’ said the tutor.

‘You know the expression, ‘Pull the rug from under their feet’?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Yes,’ said the King.
‘Our Wizard is looking into how we can pull land from under their feet,’ said the tutor.
‘Under whose feet?’ said the King.
‘The feet of whoever’s land we want,’ said the tutor.

‘Tutor,’ said the King, ‘my Vizier asked me what are my long term objectives?’
‘What did you say?’ said the tutor.
‘I said that I would ask you,’ said the King.
‘There are our longterm objectives and then there is what we say are our longterm objectives,’ said the tutor.
‘I see,’ said the King,’so what we’re really aiming for is different from what we say we’re aiming for? Why do we do that?’
‘In order to achieve your longterm objectives,’ said the tutor.

‘Do we need friends?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘what we need is for people to not be our enemies.’
‘So they’re not our friends and not our enemies? What should we do with them? ‘ said the King.
‘Ignore them,’ said the tutor, ‘they say all sorts of things but do nothing.’
‘Sounds easy,’ said the King.
‘It is,’ said the tutor.

‘My ancestors were killed in the revolution, you know,’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘and it makes you very angry to think about it.’
‘Yes,’ said the King.
‘You should bear it in mind when you go on the Fox Hunt tomorrow,,’ said the tutor.
‘But the foxes didn’t kill my ancestors,’ said the King.
‘You need to pay more attention to what I’m saying,’ said the tutor.

‘We need an alibi,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘An alibi for what?’ said the King.
‘Anything and everything,’ said the tutor.
‘Er…how about ‘I wasn’t there’?’ said the King.
‘Hmm, but you were there,’ said the tutor.
‘Er…how about ‘I was there but i wasn’t doing it’?’ said the King.
‘But you were doing it,’ said the tutor.
‘How about saying, ‘no one’s complaining’?’ said the King.
‘But they are complaining,’ said the tutor, ‘hang on, let me think of something for you. How about, ‘people are complaining about you but they’re not complaining about anything else’?’
‘That won’t work,’ said the King.
‘No, no, it will,’ said the tutor, ‘because it proves that they’re not really complaining about what you did. They’re just picking on you.’
‘Right, let’s go with that one,’ said the King.

‘If I do something, tutor, am I responsible for doing it?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘No?,’ said the King, ‘but if I raise my arm, that’s me doing it.’
‘But you’re the King,’ said the tutor.
‘And?’ said the King.
‘In your case, if you do a good thing, you’re responsible so that you can be praised for it. If you do a bad thing, you say that other people made you do it,’ said the tutor.
‘I’ll try to remember that,’ said the King.

‘Tutor, do you believe in Death?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘You mean a figure who comes and collects us?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.
‘No, I don’t,’ said the King, ‘death just happens.’
‘I think it would be better if you thought of yourself as Death,’ said the tutor.
‘Me?’ said the King, ‘I don’t go round collecting people.’
‘No, that’s true,’ said the tutor, ‘you get other people to do it.’

‘Today we need to talk about Hell,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Can’t that wait?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘we need to tell the people that if they’re bad, they’ll go to Hell.’
‘Yes,’ said the King, ‘but how do we know what Hell will be like?’
‘You should tell them to think of the worst things they know about, and that’s Hell,’ said the tutor.
‘So Hell is something that’s happening right now?’ said the King.
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ said the tutor.

‘You should pay more attention to religion,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘I am a believer,’ said the King, ‘is that not enough?’
‘Don’t worry about believing,’ said the tutor.
‘What can be more important than believing?’ said the King.
‘Showing you are believing,’ said the tutor.
‘How?’ said the King.
‘Through observance,’ said the tutor.
‘You do a lot of observance,’ said the King, ‘ceremonies, festivals and the like, but do you believe in God?’
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘I find that belief in God interferes with what we have to do here.’

‘You must tell the people that they are pure,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Are they?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘but if we want to be a strong and united Kingdom, we must believe that we are pure.’
‘What about the people who are not pure?’ said the King.
‘Exactly as you have said, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘we must keep pointing out that there are people who are not pure.’
‘Am I pure?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘but that’s beside the point.’

‘Some people hate what we’re doing,’ said the King.
‘So?’ said the Kings tutor.
‘But I want to be popular,’ said the King.
‘Wrong,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘you want power.’
‘Aren’t they the same thing?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘if you focus on what makes you popular, you will end up not having power. If you focus on what keeps you in power, you will stay in power.’
‘Give me one example,’ said the King.
‘Well, murder is often unpopular but if you do it to the right people, it’ll help you stay in power,’ said the tutor.
‘Thanks,’ said the King.

‘We’re more ethical than everyone else, aren’t we?’ said the King.
‘It doesn’t matter if we are or we aren’t’ said the tutor, ‘what matters is how to be more powerful than everyone else.’
‘What about ethics?’ said the King.
‘Ethics is saying you’re more ethical than everyone else,’ said the tutor, ‘and saying this helps you be more powerful.’

‘Saying bad things about people is bad, isn’t it, tutor?’ said the King.
‘Mostly,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘yes.’
‘What I’m trying to figure out is whether saying bad things about people is as bad as killing them,’ said the King.
‘That depends,’ said the tutor, ‘you see, people saying bad things about us is worse than us killing bad people.’
‘I see,’ said the King.

‘We’ve taken over the farms, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘That’s good,’ said the King.
‘You will hear of people complaining that they can’t feed themselves, sir,’ said the tutor. ‘Some of them blame you.’
‘And?’ said the King.
‘They’ll die,’ said the tutor.
‘What am I supposed to do about that?’ said the King.
‘The best thing you can do, sir, is explain to the people how hard it is being you,’ said the tutor.
‘Really?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the King, ‘you explain how hard it is being you what with so many people complaining about you.’
‘I’ll do that,’ said the King.

‘I keep arguing with the Prince,’ said the King, ‘what should I do?’
‘Well,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘if you want to go on arguing with the Prince, then just carry on what you’re doing.’
‘If I want to stop?’ said the King.
‘I’ll come along and ask you each the same questions,’ said the tutor. ‘My first question is what do you each want? My second question is what you do each not want? My third question is what do you each think you can put up with even if it’s not what you want?’
‘But aren’t you going to ask us about all the things we’ve been arguing about in the past?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.

‘I enjoyed going to see ‘Hamlet’ last night,’ said the King, ‘thank you for taking me.’
‘Good,’ said the tutor.
‘I thought it was a pity that Hamlet killed Polonius and Laertes on the way,’ said the King. ‘After all, they hadn’t actually done anything wrong. They didn’t kill Hamlet’s father, did they?’
‘Ah well, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘what we learn from that is ‘needs must’, or as I might put it from another of Mr Shakespeare’s plays, ‘“If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well it were done quickly”.’
‘When you talk about this man Shakespeare’s plays, you make them seem very much about what I should be doing,’ said the King, ‘but what happened to the man who said the ‘if it were done’ thing?’
‘Not a happy ending there, I’m afraid, sir,’ said the tutor.
‘Oh,’ said the King.

‘Today we’re talking about the sanctity of human life,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Oh I like the sound of that,’ said the King.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor, ‘we like the sound of it.’
‘Do we like the sanctity itself, though?’ said the King.
‘Only when we choose to like it,’ said the tutor. ‘At other times, we  ignore it.’
‘You mean some human life has more sanctity than others?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.

‘I should warn you, sir, that people will come to you demanding all sorts of things,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Like what?’ said the King.
‘Freedom. Food. Peace. Those sorts of things,’ said the tutor.
‘And I should do what I can to help them?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.
‘What then?’ said the King.
‘You say that you’d like to but it’s not a simple matter. In fact, it’s much more complicated than they think.’ said the tutor.
‘I get it,’ said the King, ‘freedom, food and peace are much more complicated than they think.’
‘Good,’ said the tutor.

‘Geography today, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘I want you to draw a map.’
‘What of?’ said the King.
‘Anywhere you like,’ said the tutor, ‘pick a part of the world where you would like to be King and draw the map.’
‘Like this?’ said the King.
‘Excellent,’ said the tutor.
‘Now what?’ said the King.
‘That’s it,’ said the tutor, ‘you’ve drawn it, so that’s the way it is.’

‘What you have to realise, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘is that some people are in the way.’
‘What are they in the way of?’ said the King.
‘Us,’ said the tutor.
‘Where?’ said the King.
‘Not actually in the way of you, here, right now,’ said the tutor, ‘I mean they are in the way of your long term objectives.’
‘Oh well, if that’s the case, we had better do something about it,’ said the King.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor.

‘Are the people suffering?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘It’s just that I heard that they are,’ said the King.
‘If you heard that,’ said the tutor, ‘then whoever was telling you, was lying.’
‘What if they were telling the truth?’ said the King.
‘Then we would say they were lying,’ said the tutor.
‘But wouldn’t that be lying?’ said the King.
‘I don’t think you need to worry yourself about that,’ said the tutor.

‘Remember it’s us who are suffering, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Why’s that?’ said the King.
‘Because people say horrible things about us,’ said the tutor.
‘Yes, but what about the people we hear about who are hungry?’ said the King.
‘That’s the point. We just hear about it,’ said the tutor.
‘But we should care about them, shouldn’t we?’ said the KIng.
‘We can say that we care, yes, but the point is we’re the ones who are in pain,’ said the tutor.

‘Tutor, are they concerned, or are we looking into it?’ said the King.
‘Possibly both,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Are they concerned that we’re looking into it?’ said the KIng.
‘Good lord no,’ said the tutor, ‘when we say we’re looking into it, that stops them being concerned.’
‘Why’s that?’ said the King.
‘Because we’re not looking into it,’ said the tutor..
‘One other thing, tutor,’ said the King, ‘are we concerned that they are concerned?’
‘Of course not,’ said the tutor.
‘Why not?’ said the King.
‘Because that’s what they do,’ said the tutor.
‘What?’ said the King.
‘Be concerned,’ said the tutor, ‘they just keep on being concerned.’
‘So no need to be concerned that they’re concerned,’ said the King.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor.

‘What are you doing, sir?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘I’m telling the cat that he mustn’t kill all the mice,’ said the King, ‘only the ones that he’s going to eat.’
‘Is he listening?’ said the tutor.
‘Of course,’ said the King, ‘and I’ve told him that if he doesn’t stop, I won’t give him any food.’
‘Are you going on giving him food?’ said the tutor.
‘Yes,’ said the King.
‘And is the cat going on killing all the mice?’ said the tutor.
‘Yes,’ said the King.
‘Well that seems to suit both of  you,’ said the tutor, ‘you tell yourself that you’re doing a good thing and the cat goes on killing the mice.’

‘Why’s it important to remember good wars?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Because we won?’ said the King.
‘No, that’s a common mistake people make,’ said the tutor.
‘Because we won?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘you’ve already said that once.’
‘I give up,’ said the King.
‘We remember the good wars was so that we can use them as an example for why we should be waging the next war.’
‘But what if we weren’t entirely good during the good wars?’ said the King.
‘Then that’s an example of why we have to do things that aren’t entirely good,’ said the King.

‘Today,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘I want you to imagine a way of waging war where there is no danger to the people waging the war.’
‘How about if we had invisible soldiers?’ said the King.
‘Good,’ said the tutor.
‘What if we had magical soldiers?’ said the King, ‘who could make the enemy vanish.’
‘Good,’ said the tutor.
‘I can’t think of any more,’ said the King.
‘What about if you had flying soldiers?’ said the tutor, ‘they could fly over the enemy and drop things on them.’
‘That’s very clever,’ said the King, ‘but the things they dropped would end up landing on people who aren’t soldiers, wouldn’t they?’ said the King.
‘Yes, but that wouldn’t matter,’ said the tutor.

‘We’re getting rid of the bad people, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘That’s good,’ said the King.
‘It is good,’ said the tutor, ‘but I should warn you that in order to get rid of the bad people, sir, sometimes we get rid of good people too.’
‘Oh dear,’ said the King, ‘does that matter?’
‘That depends,’ said the tutor.
‘What on?’ said the King.
‘It depends on who thinks it matters,’ said the tutor.
‘Do you think it matters?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.
‘What about the public?’ said the King.
‘So long as we keep saying we’re getting rid of the bad people, the public won’t mind that we’re also getting rid of some good people,’ said the tutor.
‘That’s good,’ said the King.

‘We have a problem, tutor’ said the King..
‘Our soldiers will deal with it,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘We said that last time,’ said the KIng.
‘We did,’ said the tutor.
‘And the time before,’ said the King.
‘That’s true,’ said the tutor.
‘And the time before that,’ said the King.
‘Indeed we did,’ said the tutor.
‘So why are we sending the soldiers again?’ said the King.
‘Because the soldiers will deal with it,’ said the tutor.
‘What shall I say to the people?’ said the King.
‘The soldiers are dealing with it,’ said the tutor.
‘That’s a good idea,’ said the King.

‘Say after me,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘”The enemy is the enemy is the enemy”.’
‘The enemy is the enemy is the enemy,’ said the King. ‘Is that it?’
‘Not quite,’ said the tutor, ‘you have to keep saying that we always defeat the enemy.’
‘I don’t think it’s always the same kind of enemy, is it?’ said the King.
‘Really?’ said the tutor.
‘Well I remember that when the enemy was in the next door house, we knocked down the house. If the enemy lives in the same house as us, we can’t just knock down the house,’ said the King.
‘But we can throw them out of the house,’ said the tutor.
‘You’re always one jump ahead, aren’t you?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.

‘Remember this, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘there are times when you don’t want them to talk about the bad stuff we do.’
‘Yes,’ said the King, ‘how can we get that to happen?’
‘We say that other stuff is worse,’ said the tutor.
‘Like what?’ said the King.
‘The fact that people hate you. That’s one,’ said the tutor.
‘And?’
‘The fact that everyone else is doing bad stuff. That’s another,’ said the tutor.
‘This is very good,’ said the King. ‘Are there more?’
‘The fact that the bad stuff done to us is worse than the bad stuff we’re doing to them,’ said the tutor.
‘Is it?’ said the King.
‘You’re missing the point, sir,’ said tutor, ‘this is to do with what people are talking about not whether it’s true or not.’

‘This palace is ours, isn’t it?’ said the King.
‘Of course it is,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Then why do the people living in a room upstairs think the palace is theirs?’ said the King.
‘Because they’re wrong,’ said the tutor.
‘So should we at least let them have that room upstairs?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.
‘Well how about us moving into that room upstairs?’ said the King.
‘Yes, we’re doing that,’ said the tutor, ‘but there are one or two problems with that.’
‘Well get the bailiffs in then,’ said the King, ‘and throw them out.’
‘That’s one of the options we’re working on,’ said the tutor.

‘We’re fiercely independent, aren’t we?’ said the King.
‘Absolutely,’ said the tutor, ‘and luckily the Emperor supports our independence.’
‘Yes,’ said the King, ‘I’ve often wondered why he is so supportive.’
‘Because we create regional stability,’ said the tutor.
‘Yes,’ said the King, ‘though I have noticed there is some occasional regional instability.’
‘And when that happens the Emperor is there straightaway to help us deal with it,’ the tutor.
‘Could we deal with the regional instability on our own?’ said the King.
‘Probably not,’ said the tutor.
‘But we’re fiercely independent, aren’t we?’ said the King.
‘Absolutely,’ said the tutor.

‘As you keep asking me if the palace is ours, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘I’ve brought you the title deeds.’
‘Oh very good,’ said the King.
‘This is where we signed the deeds,’ said the tutor.
‘Is that because the palace once belonged to someone else?’ said the King.
‘I must warn you, sir, this is very complicated,’ said the tutor.
‘You’re right, there are a lot of signatures,’ said the King, ‘does that mean some of these people think the palace is theirs?’
‘They think that,’ said the tutor, ‘it’s just that they’re wrong.’
‘Good,’ said the King, ‘but how do we know they’re wrong?’
‘Let’s flick back through all these pages, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘and get back to the first page.’
‘Good idea,’ said the King.
‘What can you see?’ said the tutor.
‘It’s signed by God,’ said the King.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor, ‘and that’s why the palace is ours.’
‘That’s marvellous,’ said the King, ‘you make everything so clear.’

‘Let’s discuss the use of the word ‘since’,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Really?’ said the King, ‘that doesn’t sound very interesting.’
‘Oh but it is,’ said the King’s tutor. ‘Let me try you with this: if I say that  apples have fallen off the tree since last night’s storm, what do you think?’
‘Obviously, I think that the apples fell off the tree because of last night’s storm,’ said the King.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor, ‘but I didn’t say ‘because’ of last night’s storm, I said ‘since’, last night’s storm.’
‘I said this wouldn’t be very interesting,’ said the King.
‘Wait,’ said the tutor, ‘what if the tree was rotten? Did the apples fall off the tree ‘since’ the storm or because the tree was rotten?’
‘Was the tree rotten?’ said the King.
‘Wait, ‘ said the tutor, ‘I have some information on the other trees.’
‘Yes?’ said the King.
‘The apples didn’t fall off the other trees,’ said the tutor.
‘Wow,’ said the King, ‘that’s really interesting.’

“We have to take drastic measures, sir,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Like what?’ said the King.
‘I have in mind poisoning their wells,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Won’t they be able to smell it?’ said the King.
‘No, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘no one will be able to detect this. It’ll just happen.’
‘Good,’ said the King, ‘but won’t it mean that everyone will be poisoned?’
‘No,’ said the tutor, ‘this is targeted poisoning.’
‘That’s very good,’ said the King, ‘I have to say, tutor, you exceed yourself.’
‘Thank you, sir,’ said the tutor.

‘You need to learn who are our enemies and who are our enemies,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Mm?’ said the King, ‘surely our enemies are our enemies.’
‘Not so simple,’ said the tutor. ‘You see some of our enemies are our enemies but some of our enemies are our friends.’
‘I’m not following this,’ said the King.
‘Well, think of it like this: those of our enemies who are not our enemies are our friends.’
‘I need to do more homework on this,’ said the King.

‘We’re against war, aren’t we, tutor?’ said the King.
‘We say we are,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘So it’s mysterious why we’re against war but we’re at war, isn’t it?’ said the King.
‘Very mysterious,’ said the tutor.
‘Is anybody in favour of war?’ said the King.
‘Some of our scribes seem to like it,’ said the tutor.
‘Anyone else?’ said the King.
‘Yes, the people who make the swords and shields,’ said the tutor, ‘they’re very much in favour of it.’
‘Surely not,’ said the King, ‘because their swords and shields get damaged.’
‘Surely yes,’ said the tutor, ‘because if they’re damaged, they need to make and sell new ones.’
‘Oh that’s good,’ said the King, ‘it’s very important that my people make a good living.’

‘Ahh, do you remember when we were rebels, tutor?’ said the King.
‘Indeed I do,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘Are we still rebels?’ said the King.
‘We say we are,’ said the tutor.
‘Right,’ said the King, ‘but how come there are people who rebel against us?’
‘What you need to understand sir,’ said the tutor, ‘is that the people who say that they’re rebels are not really rebels. We’re the rebels, so how can they be rebels? You can’t have rebels against rebels, can you? ‘
‘That’s very clear,’ said the King.

‘Do we make mistakes, tutor?’ said the King.
‘I don’t think you’ve phrased that right,’ said the King’s tutor.
‘How do you mean?’ said the King.
‘You said, ‘do we make mistakes’. The question you should ask is ‘were mistakes made?’,’ said the tutor.
‘Alright then. Were mistakes made?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.
‘Who by?’ said the King.
‘There you go again,’ said the tutor, ‘asking the wrong question.’
‘Even so,’ said the King  ‘I have to ask the first question, do we make mistakes?’ said the King.
‘No,’ said the tutor.
‘This isn’t making any sense,’ said the King.
‘It’s really quite simple. Mistakes were made. We are never making mistakes,’ said the tutor.
‘We’re actually very good, then, aren’t we?’ said the King.
‘Oh yes indeed,’ said the tutor.

‘Sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘we know that our critics are liars and hypocrites.’
‘That’s good,’ said the King, ‘but how do we know that?’
‘Because it’s only us they criticise,’ said the tutor.
‘You mean they don’t criticise any of the other Kings and Queens?’ said the King.
‘Exactly,’ said the tutor, ‘even though they’re much worse than you.’
‘So why do they pick on me?’ said the King.
‘Because they don’t like us,’ said the tutor. ‘They would pick on us and find fault with us even if we were not doing anything wrong.’
‘So that proves that we aren’t doing anything wrong?’ said the King.
‘Well I wouldn’t go quite as far as that but, yes, that’s why I’m making the point,’ said the tutor.
‘You mean, if we keep saying, ‘But you’re not moaning about the other Kings and Queens, people will immediately realise that we’re not doing anything wrong?’
‘That’s what we’ll say,’ said the tutor.
‘Yes, let’s,’ said the King.

‘Good news, sir,’ said the King’s tutor, ‘I’ve heard we have 20 million people overseas who think it’s wonderful we’re here.’
‘That’s nice,’ said the King.
‘There are one or two issues with it,’ said the tutor, ‘they say that there’ll come a special day – and it’s coming soon – when we all have to become like them.’
‘I’m very glad that they think it’s wonderful we’re here, but I don’t want to become like them,’ said the King.
‘Oh but they say we have to, otherwise it won’t be a special day,’ said the tutor.
‘Well tell them to go away,’ said the King, ‘we don’t need 20 million people like that.’
‘Well, that’s not strictly true, sir,’ said the tutor, ‘you see the Emperor needs the 20 million and we need the Emperor.’
‘Can’t we come to some sort of deal with the 20 million so that they go on thinking it’s wonderful we’re here but we don’t have to become like them?’ said the King.
‘No sir,’ said the tutor, ‘the deal is that that’s what we have to do: become like them.’
‘What should we do?’ said the King.
‘We sign the deal with them,’ said the tutor.
‘Will we have to become like them?’ said the King.
‘Of course not,’ said the tutor, ‘the special day is never going to happen.’
‘So it’s a joke?’ said the King.
‘In a way,’ said the tutor, ‘and in the meantime, we’re all happy. They like it that we’re here. The Emperor needs them. We need the Emperor. We all get on.’
‘You see everything so clearly, don’t you?’ said the King.
‘Yes,’ said the tutor.

‘Do you like Shakespeare’s ‘Richard III’, sir?’ said the King’s tutor.
‘No,’ said the King.
‘You should,’ said the tutor, ‘you have to see that all his bad deeds are motivated by the fact he’s a victim of his physical state.’
‘I don’t get it,’ said the King.

‘Ow!’ screamed the tutor.
‘What?’ said the King.
‘I’ve got a splinter in my foot,’ said the tutor.
‘My doctor says that the best thing for a splinter in the foot is to amputate the leg,’ said the King, ‘shall I call for him?’
‘Seems like the best thing to do,’ said the tutor.

‘Time for Maths, sir,’ said the tutor. ‘Your problem today, sir, is to work out the difference between a) how long it will take a village to reproduce itself, if 90% of the men leave and b) if 90% of the women and children leave.’
‘What an absurd problem,’ said the King.